Monday, March 30, 2009

Evading a Breakdown

I wasn't going to blog about this because I really try to keep things positive here. This blog isn't for venting after all. Now that I think of it, I may need another blog as a kind of outlet, lol. The thing is, I think I have to share this because it's a pretty strong manifestation of how God is really looking out for me. Anyway, that time of the month is probably coming around again so I'm having fits that are all kinds of fierce. I think I spent hours last night crying so I woke up this morning with really crazy eyes (should have taken a picture, lol). It's all kinds of small things heaped on top of accidents upon accidents in connection with the current attempt at toilet training. I won't go into details because I'll just end up blathering (not that I'm not already). I was getting really scared of my reactions, which were really kind of extreme (if only I could send my daughter to my mother every time I have these insane spells). I felt horribly guilty and ashamed as well, not to mention really ill too as though my brain was going to explode (because in spite of all the tantrums, I keep myself from going verbal. I truly dread what will come out of me if I unleash the tongue. I've been good for so many years now and I don't want to go back there.)... It started to happen again this morning. Please tell me that potty-training can really induce nervous breakdowns and that I'm not just inherently a candidate for a mental asylum. Anyway, Marguerite had just an accident (in the bath, so it wasn't so bad, but shortly prior to that, she had an accident with no.2 so...), so I wasn't expecting her to pee anytime soon. However, I was picking a few things up in the living area when she asked for her toy mic. I told her it was in the toy box in her room (the contents of which were all scattered on the floor anyway) so off she went to get it. She wasn't but a few seconds in her toy-strewn room when I heard a gushing sound, like a running tap. I quickly checked on Marguerite and sure enough there was a puddle forming around her. It got a few things too. I think I picked her up and took her to the bathroom, took off her wet undies, tossed them in the sink, washed her, DIAPERED (couldn't take anymore at that moment, was definitely not taking chances) her and when I went back to her room and saw the puddle again, I just lost it. I tragically slumped to the floor and sobbed - all the unnecessary and unwarranted melodrama! Anyway, I called Husband to ask if he could ditch work (of course he couldn't. You may think that it was all mountains out of molehills, but you have to realize this was all happening in a house that had not been cleaned in more than two days) just so I could relinquish responsibility for an hour or so while I collected my wits. Anyway, amidst all this turmoil, my mom texted me this (and I usually ignore forwarded messages): Seeking God first early in the morning gives us power to face trials and temptations for He is our refuge and shelter day by day. Good morning. God bless you. I think it's a foregone conclusion that I had not spent time in devotion this morning. Anyway, I settled Marguerite to play with a bunch of toys next to me in bed and I got out my devotional. The message was about letting go. I don't have time to type out the entire thing here (besides the fact that it might be an infringement even if I give citation), but it was rather bull's eye, especially this part: You may be dealing with harsh expectations of yourself, frustration with circumstances you have tried too long to control, or disappointment because things didn't happen the way you thought they should. The harder you try to conform life to your preconceived patterns, the more frustrated and angry you become. Only by letting go and letting God can you ever find the joy and freedom you so anxiously seek. ("Checklist for Life for Women", Thomas Nelson Publishers, Nashville, 2002 - or however you properly cite) I do continue to struggle with coolness (in its many definitions) and really, when will I learn that the only way I can keep cool is by giving it all up to God? So anyway, the storm has subsided and the house is clean(ish). Marguerite is still in diapers, but that's just because I still need to relax.
Totally unrelated: Have you guys checked out my cooking blog? It's all about my hits and misses in the kitchen as I journey in learning how to feed my family.


Mindi said...

I think mothers are in fact more prone to nervous breakdowns - what with the hormones and all the other issues! Just keep your sense of humor, sweetie. Laugh it all away, LOL.

spinninglovelydays said...

Thanks, Mindi. Great advice. I do laugh. And then cry. And then laugh again. And then cry again... Does that mean I already went over the brink? lol