Saturday, May 17, 2008

I Don't Know

You may have noticed that I've stopped posting about my sister. It's a problem that I pretty much shoved to the back of my brain. When I get to feeling sorry for her or puzzling over how on earth this could have possibly happened to her, I just dismissively end the inner discussion with "God is in control." I try not to venture too much into my own thoughts because the doubts start creeping up and I don't want to go back there. Even as I write this, I can see that something is terribly wrong. With all my mouthing off about faith to encourage my sister and my mom, I think I'm also going down in the struggle I refuse to recognize. How can I claim to have faith when I've sunk into such despair? I suppose you can call it denial.
It has been six months, people. We still do not know what is really wrong with her. We've spent over Php200,000 on this unidentified malady and we're reluctant to spend more for no apparent help in return. It's true that a huge chunk of the problem is attitude, but we're generally at a loss as to where we are and how to deal. Only my dad remains steadfast in his faith and while it does often bring comfort, at times, it has also caused alienation.
I just want this crisis to be over. We're being broken down and humbled. I've been taught to expect a lesson and a blessing at the end of this trial, but it's hard not be short-sighted about the situation. I suppose there aren't any shortcuts this time. We are going to learn whatever it is that we need to learn and learn it well. But how does one teach her heart not to resent and rebel? It's not only Chip who's feeling angry. Many times I feel like just dropping to the floor to scream and flail around in the mother of all tantrums. I know we have a race to run and we need to stay the course and that means the length of one's life. But it's just really hard because when you know that you started out praying and hoping in earnest and when things seemed to drag on in a seemingly infinite impasse, it became hard to get comfort and quiet. Questions started whirring in your brain. They're there even if you don't acknowledge them and they eat away at you.