Monday, August 20, 2012

Spinning Days

Hello. Just a quick update. I'm afraid that if I scratch beneath the superficial stuff, I'd start articulating all of my thoughts and I just don't have time for that.

And while it's true that life's pretty hectic these days, it's not too toxic that I can't even spare a minute to post a quick paragraph or even just a picture... the truth of the matter is that I'm not finding my days lovely at all. This is not the life I'd set out for at all. I'm praying for positivity. I think I'm thankful. I'm counting my blessings, and I know that there are a lot... I like my work, I like having a stable source of income... BUT...

I hate that I'm just overcome with guilt and shame over the level of stewardship that I'm eking out for my children these days. I hate that I have to tell my daughter that I'm too busy to do things with her. I hate that I'm not able to micro-experience my son's infancy (which I was able to with my daughter - in retrospect, I do admit that there were very many moments when I was almost prostrate with paranoia over the most ridiculous worries, and regrettably over-indulgent when it came to postpartum hormones). I hate that the days are not lovely in quite the way that I want them to be lovely...

I didn't pay too much attention to my physics class my senior year in high school, but I do remember the Uncertainty Principle - I think I can compare my current struggle with that... I don't want to get a hernia explaining the comparison, so I'd leave it at that and not expound...

I'm praying. There's what I want, of course. I'm praying that with the strength of my yearning for something that I don't move heaven and earth to get to the point that I want. In my dorkiness, I can be quite determined, and I'm not sure that getting what I want is the best thing for us. Because, though still (relatively) young, I've already experienced enough to know that it's better when God's will - and not mine - is done...

That's just the surface, believe me -- On a happy note, I do have pictures - stuff from my phone, so they're mostly bedtime stuff (If you try hard enough without hurting yourself, I think you could possibly find the logic there, lol)...


5 comments:

Chin chin said...

Sometimes it is scary to ask from God what we want. He might give it and then we find out later that it's not the best for us. I pray that you'll find the strength and guidance of God in every situation of your life today.

Sharkbytes said...

Ivy! It's so lovely to hear from you. Try to let go of the guilt about your available time. I thought I was drowning until Steve went to Headstart. Little kids at home is crazy, and a job too!

God loves you so much, and he knows you can't be a micro-mom and help with the finances, and be a wife and be perfect at all the things you want to be so badly.

Wish I could give you a hug in person.

spinninglovelydays said...

@Chin chin: Thank you. That's so true.

@Joan: Thank you! Your empathy comforts as a hug. And you're right; I should ditch the guilt - what poison! I'll try to be better at the blogging thing. :)

Wawab said...

Cameron is a charmer and very handsome, Ivy! Ate Midge is growing so pretty too! I pray for endurance and patience for you. I have no idea about parenting as you know but i know how it is to be in a situation when what we all have is God. I can assure you He will always be there for you. :) huuugs!
By the way, i was granted a tourist visa and we are flying on the 5th of October. God is amazing. I will watch the movie Les Mesirables there! I know you won't miss it for the world too! I saw the trailer and it already made me cry. the emotions of the actors are so powerful. it's so moving. take care, ivy! regards to Mark! :d

spinninglovelydays said...

Thanks, Lalab! I'm very excited to see Les Miz the movie too. Hope you have a great visit to the US! :)