Saturday, August 9, 2008

Moments of Doubts and Second Thoughts

When your child is still a baby, it's easy to make firm pronouncements carrying a conviction that is really mostly elicited by imagination than any real experience. No, I'm not really having doubts or second thoughts about the parenting philosophy I've opted for although they may very well come later on. It's just... not as easy as I thought it would be. And I wasn't really fatuous enough to think it would be easy. I guess the proper phrasing should have been "it's just harder than I thought it would be".
It's the little things, really. Trivial stuff. And whatever thoughts (not doubts, but they may lead to doubts) I have simply come in passing. I haven't had the chance to actually sit down and analyze. Until now. And I'm doing it as a post. Pretty brave (or foolish) since I've yet to arrive at a conclusion and with my personality, there has to be conclusions.
What am I talking about? I don't really know. It has something to do with the fact that I've wondered a couple of times about Marguerite's weight. Her pediatrician has assured me that her weight is normal and she's perfectly healthy, but she's on the slender side. In her last measurement, I know her weight was below the 50th percentile for her age, but her height was somewhere in the 97th or 98th. Neither Husband nor I were chubby babies, so Marguerite's frame makes perfect sense. However, in a culture that expects babies to be chubby, I've heard people comment that Marguerite is thin, using the adjective pretty loosely (I'm sure some of them don't mean to say that my daughter is actually thin, just that she's not baby-chubby). Even with our pediatrician's assurance about Marguerite's health, I do wonder, albeit fleetingly, if I'm feeding my daughter enough (I do mentally measure in terms of nutrients and servings, but I go by her cue on whether she has already had enough and she is getting enough, sometimes even more than that) and if her weight has something to do with the fact that I've kept her diet meatless. Does that count as a doubt? Maybe it does, but really, just a passing one. It takes me all of five seconds before I just become irritated with the thoughtless remark.
There are other thoughts, of course. Now that she's a toddler, they're mostly about my stand on discipline and co-sleeping, but I'm pretty good at regrouping and simplifying arguments (even ones I have with myself - and those are pretty complicated) and in the end, I remember that I did put in considerable thought before making my choices and my reasons have always been sound and valid.
Honestly, even with convictions and lots of research and many inspirations, I seem to do a great deal of floundering with this motherhood thing. I've made up my mind about certain matters, but at the same time, I'm careful about keeping my mind open. Man, the things that find their way in there! This is why I have to be constantly praying about being a mother. As much as I read and observe, what I really want is that I be in tune to God's instruction and guidance. My daughter, after all, is a blessing from Him and I should care for her and raise her in a way that pleases Him. Isn't that the best way, anyway?


Mindi said...

Hey, girl. Your daughter is perfect and seems to be a normal weight. All babies are different. The next time somebody makes you feel bad saying that Marguerite is thin, just say "You're wrong. Shut your trap!"
We all go through these moments of doubts. I can tell you're a good mother and are doing the best for your child.
God, people are just so dang annoying at times!;-)

spinninglovelydays said...

The next time somebody makes you feel bad saying that Marguerite is thin, just say "You're wrong. Shut your trap!"
- Hi, Mindi. If only I really could, lol. I think I can do "You're wrong" though.
Thanks for the vote of confidence. You're a great friend. Hugs to you and your little ones.:)