Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Blowing in the Wind... but Only If It's Blowing My Way

As much as I would like to think of myself as naturally easygoing and free-spirited, there’s really a great deal of effort that I put in to affect such a demeanor. My upbringing contributes to this, I suppose (my parents were/are big on responsibility), but, as a matter of fact, it generally stems from a complex biological system that managed to produce a personality approaching obsessive-compulsion, or maybe even mild autism.

I am largely a creature of habit. I have to have my routine. To break away from it indicates a launch into chaos for me and I consequently find myself lost, floundering, and panic-stricken in a ridiculously non-harmful, non-confusing setup. Also, spontaneity is for the birds, as far as I’m concerned. I do not do spur of the moment things because my fancy takes me that way. Often I would allow myself to leap without: a. coming up with a detailed map and itinerary; b. sleeping on it; or c. numerous consultations; but such an instance occurs because I haven’t been given any choice. People in my immediate vicinity will sense the heat from the smolder of rage going on inside me about being forced into such a situation.

Husband teases me about these very uncool tendencies, but he has also learned to be sensitive to them. I, in turn, have also gradually learned to be more accepting that I married a man, who is not very conscious of time, of possible repercussions of actions not given much thought, of social expectations… in fact, a man who is really just not conscious most of the time as one would find him asleep if there’s really nothing of importance to do. The man is extremely fond of his slumber! Don’t get me wrong. My husband is a responsible person. He works very hard to provide for his family. He is, however, chronically and pathologically late. It’s all related to his love of sleep. He also doesn’t see the point in making a schedule for a day out, say, a trip to the mall (and I require that). More importantly, he is not about to fret over social conventions and what other people might think. If I seem to not care either, let me tell you that I achieved this disposition through a studied defiance against the norm and, really, years and years of practice.

Despite all my anal retentive inclinations, I do love the concept of absolute freedom. I love that Weezer song , "Holiday" and the idea of just “going where the wind is blowing”, but even as I contemplate doing it, in the back of my mind I ruin everything by detailing a budget, a time frame, a general scope of the whole adventure… Really, what’s the point?

Handicap or not, I can function extremely well despite that attribute and, in most cases, because of it. For example, although not a great fan of short notices, I can thrive in them. After coming to terms with the situation, but first being annoyed to tears about it, I simply have to make a quick game plan and then execute it. Spur-of-the-moment game plans can be some of the best. The adrenalin can hurl you into an incredible momentum and let you achieve astonishing feats.

Having a child though, and maybe even more later on (much, much later on), I have to learn to bend without much strain. They are pretty good at catching you off guard and wreaking havoc in your organized haven, but what can you do except to learn to just go with the flow? In keeping with my demand for control, if I know to anticipate such moments, I can deal better with them.

It would really be awesome to be naturally uninhibited and spontaneous, but considering this personality, I believe I can only achieve it if I consciously set out to practice it and… perhaps, make a list of things that are okay to be impulsive about? It will be a study in irony. If in the future Marguerite and I make an unscheduled turn to lollilag at the flower market and feed the birds at the nearby plaza, know that it has been thought of way before she learned how to walk. Planned spontaneity. Nice. I do like the occasional oxymoron. :-p

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